two thousand eighteen

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This is my love letter to the year two thousand eighteen. Just a few short weeks ago I was on the bashing band wagon. Everywhere you turn someone’s sharing something about how fucked this year was. People all over are hating on it left and right. I was one of them.

I complained to my boyfriend how this year was devoid of meaning and that I couldn’t wait for it to be over. Then something magical happened, maybe it was Christmas, maybe it wasn’t. At some point I sat in reflection. I looked back at the past 300+ days. When I opened my eyes and chose to see what this year really meant to me I was astonished. It was exactly what I asked for.

You see when 2017 was nearing its end I asked the universe to slow things down. I had experienced so much in the prior three years that I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed a break, and that’s what I got. The past three years lead me to this exact point and it was during this “break” that I discovered something very important about myself.

Rewind to the beginning of 2014. I was faced with my own mortality. I am not proud to announce that I smashed my car into a parked car at the beginning of that year. This event woke me up and forced me to take a hard look in the mirror. It was here that I faced my alcoholism and began my spiritual journey. This very same year also brought me love and in the same breath took it away. It delivered consequences to my actions, consequences that carried well into the following years.

Enter 2015, I continued to grow on my spiritual path. I continued to face truths about myself that I wasn’t keen on facing. Then half way through that year my dad became very ill. I didn’t have my license at the time so visits with him were few and far between. We lost him that August. I would never be the same. The fourth quarter of that year was a blur, I don’t remember very much. Not because I drank… I was just numb.

This leads me to 2016, a year that started out great despite the year before. I was planning a trip to Spain for that March (my dad always wanted me to visit Spain). My brother was planning his wedding. I began dating my love, the man that I am going to marry. Barcelona was incredible, traveling abroad with a close friend and my amazing aunt and uncle was more than I could ever ask for. Then the year took a turn for the worst.

Twenty seven days after I returned home we lost my mother. She had been sick with cancer for a few years, then as if it happened suddenly, she was gone. Another part of my heart was ripped away too soon. I was simultaneously falling in love and falling apart. Trying to keep everything together.

I decided to put my grief aside. I locked it away inside a black box, deep inside my soul. I only let it out when I am left in my own personal space. Just recently I started seeing a therapist to work through the trauma of losing both of my parents. A beautiful soul who was so gracious to offer me help, she saw my suffering and held out her arms.

I set my grief down so that I could fall in love. For me love is the greatest gift that we are lucky enough to experience as human beings. My parents watched me go from relationship to relationship hoping to find my happy ending. I finally did, and I know they wouldn’t have wanted to be the reason I pushed that away.

Then came 2017, the year of continued growth and change. I left my long standing job for a promising opportunity. I followed my love to a city on the opposite side of the state so that he could pursue his dream. I found friends in our new home town while I mourned family and friendships that I left behind.

By the beginning of 2018 I was exhausted, even still I decided to embark on a fitness journey. One that lasted only half way through the year but none the less pushed me to see what I am capable of. I changed office locations for a company that I respect and admire. I was a bridesmaid for one of my longest and dearest friends. I watched Keith take on the role of best man for his greatest friend. I found podcasts, this may not seem significant in any way but it is. Listening to people share about their lives helped me to discover what I want from my own.

This year has been kind to me in so many ways. It’s given me a break from the emotional turmoil that was my life. It’s granted me the confidence to finally pick that grief back up and work through my feelings. It’s allowed me the ability to dig deep and discover my purpose. It’s presented two beautiful weddings, where I got to witness the magic of love. It’s provided me with this blog and my future. It’s offered me the opportunity to watch my man further advance his dreams and get into business school. I joined in the celebration of my youngest brother graduating from high school, as well as my youngest sister graduating from college. It’s brought me the chance to get closer with my friends and my family. This year really has blessed me with so much.

Two thousand eighteen I no longer take you for granted. I no longer think that you are devoid of meaning. You are in fact the exact opposite. I can’t ever thank you enough.

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